It’s been one of those days.  You know the kind that make you understand why some animals eat their young.  The kind that makes you want to scream, cry, throw things and hide all at once.  I won’t bore you with the details.  So let’s just say my hit list is quite long, my tolerence is shot and I want a drink.

 Days like this have been hitting in abundance lately and I don’t like it.  Not one bit.  I don’t blame the kids, I shoulder the blame one hundred percent.  I have battled depression in the past and I am feeling it now.  I really don’t know what brought it on unless it’s just the last few years settling on me now.  I shouldn’t feel this way, things are looking really great around here now, well, that’s what I want everyone to believe anyway.  Between the kids, the husband, the money, the self image, the not working and the self loathing I hide pretty well.  I feel like I am starting to lose that hiding ability and this time I am worried.  I want to blame someone or something but I can circle it all back to me.  I want to see to my doctor about it but as usual there isn’t any extra money for the $20 copay or the price of a prescription.  Finding a professional to talk to is completely out of the question and I really don’t want to pour it all out to a friend.  I’ve done that once or twice and lost or strained friendships over it. 

I want to write about it in a flowing, enthralling way that glosses over everything but right now I am not even capable of coherant thought.  In the last few months I have lost my ability write, to blog, to think and….well, even now, on my blog, the one only a few people know about, I am hesitant to put it all out there.  I don’t know what you are going through but I am sure that whatever I am dealing with isn’t as bad as someone else.  I long for someone and somewhere to pour it all out [to].   

*Sigh*  I don’t know where I am going with this.  I have had the urge to sit and put it all out there but now as I consider it I think who cares what I am thinking or feeling. 

Sounds like a pity party, doesn’t it?  That’s not my intention so I think I will end this now and move on.